Learning not to waste time

I was a time waster.

I am a time waster.

I was.

As I am reverting to Islam, I find that I am so much more in this place of flux.  It is like a path in the forest.  South is what I was and North is what I will be.  This path is a bit rocky, but there is sun shining from all directions, puddles of sunlight dot the road.  The road is not straight, it winds back in on itself before straightening to go forward.  That is how I am finding this walk.

Does the caterpillar know that it will turn into the butterfly?  Is there anticipation?

My breath catches in my chest.

I smile.

I live in Europe, though I am not European by birth. At my so called middle age, my friends are all settled in their belief or non belief of a higher power.  It is not something that we discuss generally.  But I know that they would have a hard time with this.  So I do not really discuss it.

I say.

 I have given up pork.

They say.

 Why?

I say.

 It is not good for me.

They say.

 Really?

I say.

 Look how much weight I have lost since I stopped eating pork.

They say.

 Yes.

Now is this being dishonest?

For me, no.  I stopped eating pork a few months before I started looking into Islam.  I gave up drinking around the same time, though I drank very little for a few years.  Now I will not touch the stuff.

Many people in my family have problems with drugs and alcohol.  I have had a brother, a father and many other relatives who died from chronic alcoholism and high blood pressure and blockage of artieries.

So Islam spoke to me on what I had already chosen to do.  I  looked twice.  Pork just brought too much disease and some people have a problem with alcohol so it is best just not to drink.

It seems very reasonable to me.  It makes sense.

So as far as my friends know, I have stopped eating pork and do not drink anymore.

This is a big deal I believe.

My friends love pork and love to drink wine and smoke.  They like to have a good time.

So do I.

Only time will tell if I can still hang with them.

But what I think will happen is that I will have to make some new friends as well.

This is the thing.  I just do not see how I will fit in with a nice Muslima.  I have no children.  I am a bit wacky.  And… well I imagine them to be quite pious and I am working on getting there, but I am sooooo not there yet.

So I feel really alone right now.  Not sad and alone.  Just alone.

My husband is totally not into it; this change in me.  I can see the strain as he tries to be supportive.

He just does not want to be a Muslim.  At least it does not seem to me that he wants to be.

I do not live in a city, in this part of Europe, there are very few Mosques.

So why am I doing all of this;  making hardship in my social life, in my married life and in my life all around?

Because –

 I believe in one God and Mohammed (PBUH) was his Prophet.

From there, it just took off. And I am trying to pick up my sanity somewhere.

Oh did I mention that I am also stopping smoking?  Well, if not, I am.  So I am a bit crazed right about now… though I must say, not as bad as prior attempts.

Smoking is Haram (very bad) in Islam.  I really did not need Islam to tell me that though.  But it is best just to never start smoking.  Like it is best to never eat pork and drink.  Best for our health.

Adiba

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